Self Discovery

Please know that in today's blog post, I will be rambling. Mostly for my own deep need for expression. There are so many guidelines as to how things should be done, including writing a blog to garner the attention of readers. We often get too caught up in who is paying attention to what we are doing. A lot of times, people are paying attention that you aren't even aware of. They don't comment or like, however they read, take the information to heart and act upon it. Those are the people I am attempting to reach as well as those that may like or comment but haven't  even taken the time to read. All are welcome.

My intention for this blog is provide insight on my thought processes, offer inspiration and let people know they are not alone in their quest for that "missing something" in their lives.  If am able to do that for just one person, I have succeeded. 

I am still on my self discovery trip to DC. I am constantly in a mode of self discovery and to keep it real, sometimes it can be isolating. Not lonely, isolating. I do not own a TV and rarely watch unless I am visiting family and friends. I am not completely sans TV access considering I have a smartphone. I do love documentaries and movies and have watched more than my fair share since I have been in DC as my friend has a TV and Netflix. I watch Power and The Ozarks but sometimes they get too dark for me and I have to take a break. 

Do you know how difficult it is to attempt to have conversations with people that spend the majority of their time watching the news? I have no idea what's going on especially currently being a social media break. I have had people tell me "You have to know what's going on in the world" and I think to myself, you mean the propaganda they are feeding us on a consistent basis in the form of fake news? You mean the fact that we can't even think for ourselves anymore? If I am feeling froggy, I actually say it out loud. And their response is usually something like "You are actually right, the news is so depressing, but I need to know if 45 is going to get us blown up." I know that my opinion is unpopular and some may even consider it ignorant, but I'd rather just randomly be doing something I love and get blown to smithereens than to be sadly sitting in a corner anticipating my demise. 

I am NOT in any way judging you if you love watching the news. I completely understand the need to be "connected." I would be hypocritical to say it's a waste of time because I have wasted more than my share of time scrolling on Instagram seeing what people are doing in their lives. It's the same. I have no idea if what these people are posting is fact or fiction. And the sense of excitement you get when you find someone that enjoys watching your favorite show and sharing thoughts on what's going to happen in future episodes is exhilarating. But I am on a quest to unplug from that type of connection. I want something more. I want to make connections around vibrations, energy, spiritual liberation, ancestry and love. And sometimes that can be isolating. 

Plot twist. The quest to make these new connections can't be done without looking at the harsh realities of how we have gotten where we are as a people. I visited the National Museum of African American History & Culture over the weekend. I didn't have tickets so I had to go to the 1 pm showing and the museum closed at 5 pm. I spent almost all of my time, minus the time I spent in the cafe having a $10 lunch of mac and cheese and potato salad on the first floor of the museum. The first floor is actually four levels and it is emotionally draining. I almost cried several times and rushed through the majority of the exhibit for that reason. PRIVILEGE. I am sure the people that were actually going through the things that I saw wished they could have rushed through it. I had to check myself. It started from the 1400's telling the story of how slavery began. It covered slavery, segregation, desegregation, affirmative action and more. The thing that gut checked me the most......a pair of baby sized shackles. I almost lost it. And thinking about it now brings me great sorrow.

There were people of all nationalities at the museum and as I left one question plagued me. Why do they hate us so much? Every ounce of that exhibit showed an extreme hate for black people and how the people in power manipulated that hate for their own gain. The majority of the footage that I saw in that exhibit could have been taken recently. That's the saddest part. The next day after visiting the museum, I saw Blackkklansman. Yes, it was overload.

I won't bore you with a thesis on race relations. They have already been written. I will just pose this question for those who think that racism has been exacerbated since 45 took office or that it's just propaganda to cause friction between the races. If social media or the news didn't exist would racism still exist? If your answer is no, you are privileged. You are privileged to never have experienced it first hand and you are fortunate. I have experienced it first hand and I have biases wrapped around those experiences. I wasn't even aware of those biases until I traveled abroad to Ireland. Being the only person of color in 98% of all the places I visited I found myself focusing on it consistently. At one point, while shopping at the mall, I wondered if they would think I was stealing. even though every Irish person I encountered was nothing but kind to me. 

DC has definitely offered me a different perspective. Every person I have encountered since I have been here has been kind, friendly and welcoming. I cannot say the same for Charlotte. I have spoken to people and they have looked me dead in my eyes and not parted their lips, people have let doors close in my face and haven't offered any gratitude when I have held doors for them. Over the past several days, I have seen groups of people of different nationalities having meals together, walking down the streets together, an abundance of interracial relationships, people have held doors for me, said "thank you" when I held doors for them and struck up random conversations with me and it feels good.  Have I found my tribe? Should I move to DC?

With Gratitude, 
​Tinesha 

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