I am on the next part of my adventure as I bring my 30 days of self discovery to a close. I am on Amtrak headed to Durham, NC where I will spend a few days until I head back to Charlotte. I am sitting in the cafe car and this post was inspired by an adorable little boy wearing a Spiderman shirt around 5 or 6 years old. He is caramel, with big brown eyes and a short haircut. He is traveling with what appears to be his mother and two sisters. He is soft spoken and attempts to lay on his sister. His "mother" tells him that he can lean on her if she grants him permission. Positive parenting. He curiously asks her what it means to lean. She laughs and moves from her seat to show him. She gently takes his head in her hands and leans it towards his sister's shoulder. The "mother" smiles and then returns to her seat and captures the moment on her camera phone. His sister appears to be around 11 or 12 and has thick sandy colored natural hair that is in a ponytail and braided down the middle of her back. She doesn't seem to mind him leaning on her but ignores him at the same time.
I later discover from listening to their conversation, that the woman is actually their aunt. She gets up to take the little boy to the bathroom and he asks her curiously, "Is the train going to derail?" She responds gently, "no" and laughs again. I thought to myself that this was a very interesting question. Why would he ask this question? Did it come from a place of fear? A place of curiosity? What did he know about derailment? Had he heard about it on the news? Had someone in his family told him about it? And then in a flash, I thought about how this was such a metaphor for where I am in my life right now.
past tense: derailed; past participle: derailed
cause (a train or trolley car) to leave its tracks accidentally.
"a train was derailed after it collided with a herd of cattle"
* (of a train or trolley car) accidentally leave the tracks.
"the trolley cars had a tendency to derail on sharp corners"
* obstruct (a process) by diverting it from its intended course.
"the plot is seen by some as an attempt to derail the negotiations"
This is how google defines derail. I am derailing my life in so many different ways at this moment in time. Obstructing my life by diverting it from the course of complacency. I'm dissecting everything I know to be true and questioning everything in relation to what I have been told over the years. I am digging deep, questioning my relationships, my beliefs and attempting to get to the core of who I really am. It's not pretty, it's painful and it's life changing.
We are all vibrational. When we are vibrating at certain frequencies, we attract similar vibrations. For example, when we are operating on the vibration of being victimized, things will show up in our lives that cause us to be a victim. We will continue to question why we are being victimized but rarely do we take time to examine this, take responsibility and figure out why we are operating from a victim mentality. This is not self blame, this is taking a hard core look to see how we developed this mentality and what we can do to change it.
It is said that whatever we are experiencing during our birth is what we attract in our lives. From the time we are in the womb. I want to heal myself so I am doing all the work I can to do so. I sent my mother a message and asked her to describe in detail the situation surrounding my birth. How she felt during the pregnancy, the delivery itself and anything she could remember about me in her womb. I haven't read the response because I am on a train with people and don't want to cry hysterically in front of strangers. I don't know what her response entails but I know she was 18 and pregnant. That, in itself, is enough to make me cry.
When I am ready and am in a safe space I will read it, I will take note of everything that transpired for me to take my first breath. I will see how the universe conspired to make sure the sperm from my father married the egg from my mother and created a whole human being.
I am in awe of all of God's creations as I pass by trees, bodies of water, flowers, animals and buildings on this ride. I think about the individuals that God gave the idea to build houses, trains and cars and create businesses. I think about all the individuals on this train whose lives are connected as we ride together to our destinations. We are all just a speck in the universe however we all have an important role to play. Do you know how amazing you are?
Thank you for taking this time to spend with me.
Depression survivor that discovered the power of positive thinking.